Why I'm Going To Die Alone (Part 1)

I’m not really a writer. If I had my way, I’d describe my life experiences to Roxy, and she’d put it into some kind of witty banter for me. But since she’s such a busy girl, I can’t possibly expect her to sit and write this for me. So I’m bucking up and sharing my story with you myself. Please excuse the fact that this isn’t the wittiest blogpost you’ve ever read. But I promise you, you WILL be entertained.

Here is something you need to know about me to fully understand my dating life. You know that instinct of fight or flight? Well, I’m all flight. When I get spooked, I run like hell. The very first haunted house I went into as a little kid had to turn on its lights and completely halt its operations so that I could be carried outside while bawling my eyes out. One of the girls in the house who was dressed up as a corpse in a coffin even stopped and said, “It’s me! Tanya! Your babysitter! Don’t be scared!” No difference. I had totally lost my cool. A weeping, hysterical mess. If someone sneaks up on me from behind, I either end up on the ground in the fetal position or take off running. I’m also not a risk taker. I grew up in the country, but I hated going “mudding” or driving a jeep like a bat out of hell up and down the levee. Basically, I’m a huge chicken. This is completely ironic considering the fact that if one of my friends or family is being attacked or wronged, I turn into the fiercest momma bear and become all fight. Seriously. I once tried to claw out a guy’s eyeball in Argentina for trying to steal my aunt’s Rolex. But that’s a story for another time. I tell you all of this to get one point across: Don’t share your crazy with me too early in a relationship, because I’ll cut and run faster than you can say “commitment phobic”.

I’m not a big fan of dating websites for myself. Don’t get me wrong, I highly encourage my friends to get on the well-known sites and get out there just to see who comes along. I know people who have had great success on such sites. However, while I meet the most bizarre freaks of nature in my day-to-day life, I find that my luck is usually so much worse online. Don’t believe me? Well, in my first attempt at a dating site, I met and had 1 ½ dates with a guy who loved musicals (could even do the choreographed dances with the songs), had a hippie mom who did drugs with her friends and sometimes forgot she had his baby sister in the house for hours or even days, was terribly abused by some of his mom’s boyfriends and husbands, and thought it would be a good idea to share ALL of this with me on the first date. Needless to say, I got up and walked out of our 2nd date when the crazy just kept on coming. Next up was a guy who lived 3 hours away and within 4 hours of giving him my phone number was texting me about how he was going to spank me. Seriously? We hadn’t even laid eyes on each other yet. I was done with him moments later. He couldn’t understand why. My last fella on that website was the controlling and manipulative mailman. Within a week, he said that he’d been patient enough to wait for sex as long as he had with me (yes, one week – he never got lucky, by the way), and after two weeks, he pronounced his undying love for me. The last straw with him came over Thanksgiving, when I got a call at my parents’ house that he was still at his sister’s in Southeast Texas (he should have been home the day before) because his youngest son had broken his collar bone. It was his fault the kid had an accident. And this was the THIRD time that poor kid had been injured (gash in the head, broken arm, and broken collarbone) while in his care. His ex-wife must have wanted to choke him! I couldn’t begin to fathom dating someone who had his 70-year old mother call his ex-wife to explain what happened to the kid. It was over before I finished my 6 hour drive back from home. I was officially 0 for 3, so I cancelled my membership to that website ASAP.

Fast forward about a year…. I have several friends who were giving it the ol’ college try on that website’s biggest competitor, so I figured I’d change venues and see what happened. Sigh. I got through the many communication stages with one guy, and he seemed pretty normal in the beginning. Then we started talking over the phone. After a two or three conversations, he told me that he cheats on his taxes, was beaten by his dad with a radiator hose when he was young (WTF?!?), makes up fake resumes so that he can attend career fairs at universities where he never once paid a cent of tuition, and I was lucky to have him still interested in me since I’m between jobs right now. Excuse me? I’m lucky? He was also an obnoxious know-it-all. If I made a statement like, “I want a kayak” (because I’d have rockin’ arm muscles if I had one, duh!), he would reply with something like, “I built a kayak out of cedar strips once.” He didn’t know my last name, but he took it upon himself to talk on my behalf to recruiters at those previously mentioned career fairs – and he expected me to be grateful. Instead, I was insulted and pissed. It wasn’t going to work out, and I didn’t need to meet him face-to-face. So I texted him one night to say that I didn’t think it was a good idea to continue to talk to each other. When he asked why, I replied that I had been thinking about him cheating on his taxes and making up fake resumes, and dishonesty was a huge deal breaker for me. His response? “That’s cool. I was getting some pretty huge red flags about you, too. Peace out.” Dick.

This leads us up to last Thursday night.

(To Be Continued…)

Really Nice Guy Vs. Good In Bed? Pure Motives?

Here's where you can click to get all caught up on RNG vs. GIB.  Mr. Really Nice Guy? Well, he's still really nice. Maybe too nice? Four dates in and he's already showing the googly love eyes. No! No! No! Nothing makes me flee faster than a man who falls in love with me- too fast. And although he's nice, he's 36 and unaccomplished. I seriously can't figure out what he's been doing for the past 18 years since high school? It's certainly not getting his bachelors degree. I found out last night he's 12 hours shy. Ugh. I feel a bit misled. I had assumed the college he graduated from was a university, not a JC. There I go assuming. And this makes me sound like an elitist snob... But, here I go. He has a crappy job, no degree, no direction, no friends, a one bedroom apartment, a bankruptcy and no life. I guess he's just waiting for me to fill that gap? He's itching to get married and have a family No thank you. If i wanted a child right now to raise and send to college, I'd birth one. At least I'd have 18 years to figure out how I am going to pay for it.

And yet he's cute and nice. Another worry... Our 2 hour make out session? Barely even grazed second base and this only because I physically placed his hands on my boobs. Seriously? The last guy I dated didn't want to have sex prior to marriage. I respected that decision, but what really bothered me... He didn't even seem tempted. And that's how the "RNG" makes me feel. I'm no Cindy Crawford (circa 1995), but I'm a fairly hot piece of ass... Holding to my mantra that "sexy is half what you've got, and half what you think you've got." How could he resist trying to "tap" this. Blah, blah,blah... He's just being a gentleman... Whatever! It's the ladies job to ward off any unwelcome advances. Let me do my job, dammit!

So having said all this, I believe I will use him as a wedding date next weekend and for one more marathon make out session. And then, "hasta la vista". Back to the drawing board. And GIB (good in bed)? He canceled our date. Humph. At least with him there is no ambiguity about his true interest? It's evident. And that's somehow comforting.

Who They Were and What I Loved

I am a firm believer that we can learn something from everyone that comes into our life. In this thinking, I decided to develop a list of men that have crossed my heart and for whatever reason, made me love them. Some of them broke my heart, some of them I did the breaking, and some of them I will never know. But by knowing them, I’ve learned more about what I love and what I want to find in my next love. I encourage you to look back and do the same.

PM: He may have been my first official boyfriend. I loved how quiet he was…but that I always knew he was thinking. I loved how much I knew he cared about me. I loved that he would break down sometimes and tell me that. I loved his style. I loved how I knew he talked to his parents about me. I loved his smile and his laugh. I loved that he let me break his heart...but still continued to love me.

MA: He was my boyfriend for a short time; but the object of my affection for much longer. I loved how smart he was. I loved how excited he would get over math equations or politics or drinking games. I loved that he made me sing with him when we rode in his car. I loved how he was a mystery to me.

JV: He was my first real love. I loved how he made me feel. He made me feel safe and beautiful and completely adored. I loved his ambition and kindness. I loved the way that he looked at me. I loved that he would dance with me. Our relationship was fun and I loved to hear him laugh and to see his smile. I loved his family. He was my first and I loved exploring with him.

BR: He was never my boyfriend but he was a part of my life for a long time and I still put him on a pedestal. I loved his sense of humor. I loved that he didn’t take anything too seriously. I loved that we had nicknames for each other and could talk forever about nothing and everything. I loved how I could tell how much he cared about me. I loved how he always knew what he wanted to do with his life. I loved how we connected the very first night we met.

JQ: He was my second real love. I loved how smart he was. I loved that he watched the History channel and read books on the Civil War. I loved that he made salmon, black beans, and a baked sweet potato for dinner almost every night and never tired of it. I loved that he played with my hair. I loved his body. I loved his smile. I loved that he cried when he couldn’t verbalize his emotion.

DS: He was also never my boyfriend but I cared about him deeply for years. He was someone I always knew was wrong for me but that I wanted so badly. I loved how he pursued me. I loved how he went to my church. I loved that he was the life of the party. I loved that he never took things too seriously. I loved how he took care of me and took control. I loved that he loved to make me dinner. I loved how he loved my massages. I loved how he held me so close. I loved how he would carry me to bed.

BB: He was a friend…but someone that I kind of envision myself finding a version of in my future. I loved how much we had in common. I loved how we could talk about ridiculously stupid things but also connect on a much deeper level. I loved how he stood up for me when men treated me unfairly. I loved how happy he was all the time. I loved that we both loved music and understood that it was so much more than sound. I loved how goofy he was and that he was never afraid.

KF: He was another one that I dated for a while but never called my boyfriend. I loved that he was awkward. I loved that he always returned my texts and calls even if they didn’t require a response. I loved how kind his heart was and how much respect he showed for me. I loved that he never treated me poorly. I loved that he loved playing card games with me. I loved his cute Canadian accent. I loved that he was a good father. I loved that he had so much about him that I didn’t know.

BR: He and I dated for about 3 months. I loved how creative and perfect our first date was. I loved how intellectual he was. I loved that he was a writer and had written 2 novels. I loved that he once accidently sent me a passing thought for his current book. I loved his lips. I loved that he seemed so reserved until we played charades. I loved how he would hold me…and always wanted a part of him touching me throughout the night. I loved that he would make the decisions on where to go for dinner because he knew I didn’t want to. I loved that he mostly called instead of texted. I loved that I knew I could learn from him.

BH: He was my totally irrational crush that I never dated and maybe never had a chance with. But I loved him in a completely imaginary way anyway. I loved how smart he was and how much he didn’t even know it. I loved how he challenged me and made me grow. I loved that I got butterflies every time he called. I loved that I could hear him smiling each and every time I talked to him.

DS: He was my first kiss and is my current totally irrational crush. I love how brilliant he is. I love that he will make posts about topics that I have to Google even to figure out what he’s talking about. I love that he loves music and I love how ridiculously talented he is at it. I love that he inspired me to create something for him. I love that I am completely romanced by the idea of him. I love that I really don’t know him at all but somehow feel like I do.

Who have you loved? Who have you almost loved? Who do you want to love?

Put a Ring On It

"If you liked it, then you shoulda put a RING on it"... God Bless Beyonce. She's ranting about what I am feeling. Well, maybe not puttin' an actual engagement ring on it, and most certainly not a penis ring (gross). But, how about dinner? What the hell happened to a nice dinner date? I'm talking about a proverbial ring.

And this ranting feeling is because I've got a date next Friday night to go listen to live jazz with Mr. Good in Bed. So Mr. "GIB" and I have been knowing each other for about 5 years. I believe our first bedroom encounter happened on January 1st, 2006 (after 2 dates). Over those 4.5 years, I've broken it off with him roughly 4 times. Yup, 4. He just keeps coming back. He's persistent and cocky and sexy and he rocks my world. We've never been in an actual "relationship", unless you consider a couple of dates followed by the best sex of my life as a relationship. I consider him to be my relational bed buddy. The problem? I like him outside of the sack. But, all we've been is the sack.

So I broke it off the no strings sex with GIB a few months ago, explaining that I was dating other people, and it just jacks with my head way to much to be sleeping with him while I'm looking for my potential new boyfriend. And although it wasn't an ultimatum, it was honestly a last ditch effort to try to con him into actually dating. He didn't take the bait. It also doesn't help that we are so comfortable with each other that he accidentally screamed out "I love you" during an "intense" moment. Don't worry, I laughed and didn't take it to heart. But, I knew that I might be next, and thus must flee this toxic situation stat.

After the break off, I got a few crude "sext" messages from him and one email, which I ignored, and didn't hear too much of a peep out of him until a few days ago.

A few weeks ago I met someone new and promising. Stage right enter "Mr.Really Nice Guy (RNG)". He takes me to dinner, but I'm fairly certain won't break the bed or rip my clothes off before we even get the front door closed. He's nice. He's thoughtful. He's cute. We seem to have much in common, and he's super into me.

So GIB sends me the longest email he's ever composed. He asks about my job, my summer, and says he'd like to get together to chat-- as friends. REEEEEEAAALLY? So after a few bantering emails back and forth, it's a date. He will pick me up on Friday night at 8. Not this Friday, but the next. A man who plans two weeks in advance? Well that kind of gets my motor running. This Friday? I have a date with Mr. RNG (really nice guy). He's not picking me up at my insistence. I'm weird about new potentials knowing my address. GIB has obviously known for awhile. He's my go to booty call.

And the thing that makes me madder than a hornet at myself is that for years I've wanted GIB to turn into an RNG and be in a LTR- with me. Now I've got a guy who I can tell is headed that direction. He wants marriage and kids and the whole nine yards. And yet... I'm more excited about my jazz date with GIB. He finally decided to "put a ring on it", but is he serious about dating me? I'm spending a Friday night to find out. I however will not shave for two days prior to the date, and will be wearing my most hideous granny panties in an effort to insure myself against any advances made by GIB. He knows I'm weak. RNG has yet to learn that lesson. As Mae West used to say, "A hard man is good to find." Here's to treading lightly.

All Aboard the Crazy Train

Allow me to introduce myself... I'm a crazy magnet, and therefore your conductor on today's ride on "The Crazy Train." Yup, you heard correctly... crazy people are naturally drawn toward me. They can't help themselves. I should have gone into the field of counseling... I might have been a millionaire by now. However, as of late, the "crazies" I've been referring to have been of the male variety. So I've been doing my best to "put myself out there." Date more. Be open to the possibilities. And, it seems to have blown up in my face. So, I've met some guys on an online dating site, and I've went out with a few of them. Some normal, some a little weird, some just not for me, and this one in particular... CRAZY (about me, and not in a flattering way)... I also had to start this new blog as he did some digging (against my wishes) and sought out my old blog. He crossed a boundary that I requested he not cross, by searching for my Facebook page and somehow finding my blog linked to a comment I had made (my profile does not show up when searched. It is hidden, because I don't share it with every Tom, Dick and Harry that I go out with, because if you're my friend on FB, then I can't talk about you-- okay?) In addition, he lied to me on our second (yes, you read correctly- second) date about his divorce being final. He also sent me two stark raving mad emails... which you will get to read pieces of... until I finally sent a very curt email... that I will also share. There were a couple of other crazy emails. I won't bore you with all the details. However, I'm all about the sharing.



The confusion is due to the fact that I had a really great time on our first 2 (and only) dates. I laughed. I had fun. The conversation was great. The second date ended with a great butterflies in the stomach, and I want to jump your bones kiss and a "when can I see you again?"



"Friday" was my reply. A mere 4 days from now. You would have thought I had sentenced the man to life in solitary confinement. And so the persuading ensues... cute at first, but I held my ground. And then it begins to get a bit irritating. But, I recall the great kiss and the fun time I had and my patience stretch a bit longer. Then I get this in my inbox::

"on top of that when it comes to restraint, I'm sure you know I have  
none...  I'm extremely decisive. I want it or I don't. split second  
decision, based on a gut feel, reinforced (I hate that word) by a bit  
of experience and in this particular case, one really REALLY great  
kiss. And my gut feel without all the extra stuff is rarely wrong...  
(un)fortunately for me you happen to be the exception to the exception  
to the rule. WTH???? Most everything about you is new to me and I'm  
not afraid to say I love it!
 
OK.. I know that previous statement is probably some red flag  
according to most of the bazillion relationship books you may or may  
not have read, but I bet it's a green flag according to at least one...
 
Let's come back to sanity for a second... I know we don't know each  
other nearly well enough to make any kid of decision. I'm not asking  
you to move in with me... I'm not asking you to marry me... I'm not  
asking you to sleep with me... All I'm saying is I want to see you  
more... I want to talk to you more... I want to get to know you  
better... If you want to make me kiss you, that's your thing... ;)
 
All this is not meant to be any kind of persuasion. It's just me  
spilling my guts to you... Before the kiss... before the citrus  
beer... before the fried green beans... before the costume jewelery...  
even before the pithy cute sexy witty emails... there was something  
worth exploring...
 
I don't know what it is and I'm sure I never will, but I respect it  
and on some messed up level I like it, so thank you for being you and  
doing the things you do... It's all good...
 
FYI... if we ever get to a point where we sleep together, the first  
time at least we won't do anything more than sleep... That's one of MY  
rules :) Granted I HAD a rule of no kissing that early and you somehow  
shattered that...
 
I almost want to call you... how messed up is that? I do not like to  
talk on the phone more than 45 seconds..."

And to this email I make no reply.  In the words of avid texters around the globe, "WTF"?

And so because I didn't reply... roughly 50 minutes later, I get this email: 

"You don't even understand how much I respect you...

 
Sit down...
 
I almost didn't tell you this, and with anyone else I probably wouldn't...
 
I found you... As much as I want to I'm not clicking through. You have  
no idea how big that is. It's like you giving me your address... I'm  
very tempted, but I'll stay away I promise. I came across it while  
trying to find you on facebook - you talked about facebook last night  
but you're hidden. Nice job on that by the way...
 
Al Gore might have invented the internet, but in a hostile takeover I  
now own it. If it's out there I can access it... But I didn't... I  
swear!
 
There's a part of me that really really wants to use this information  
as leverage, but I won't... I can't. That's not cool and I do not want  
to be "that guy"... My heart is beating awfully fast though. I wish I  
could see your eyes... I wish you could see mine... I love eyes... and  
babies... Anyway...
 
Really though if you tried to hide yourself you did a great job! I  
don't think anyone other than I (or is it "me" in this situation?)  
could find you. Granted I wasn't trying that hard (but again, I got  
some serious skilzzz!) You slipped up once and that's how I found you...
 
Yeah you rock, I rock, we rock...?
 
I do want to read all about you when you're ready for that... Better  
yet I want to hear about it... I can wait. Jokes aside... I'm  
willingly, patiently waiting. I want to know you more. When you're up  
for it...
 
Phase two of my master plan is now in effect :)
 
MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! :)
 
(last two lines were a joke if you didn't know...)
 
loveyaseeyabye"

Dear Lord... explain to me again why I date, and why like a stupid ninny, I let this guy know my last name and pick me up for our second date? Stupid, stupid, stupid. 

And so I finally reply after a bit of deliberation, and after making sure my pistol was loaded: (this is a paraphrase)

Get a hold of yourself.  You're freaking me out.  And after a bit of "googling" of my own, it seems you are in fact still married.  So, on top of completely freaking me out, crossing boundaries that I made crystal clear should not be crossed, you are technically still married.  I can't see you anymore.  Best of luck to you.   

Yet, in my head, all I can think is..."WINNER, WINNER.  CHICKEN DINNER".  I'm going to be single forever. 

Mae West, Anyone?

What sassy girl doesn't love some Mae West?  Here are some of my favorite "Mae Westyisms":

A dame that knows the ropes isn't likely to get tied up.

A hard man is good to find.

A man can be short and dumpy and getting bald but if he has fire, women will like him.

A man has one hundred dollars and you leave him with two dollars, that's subtraction.

A man in the house is worth two in the street.

A man's kiss is his signature.

A woman in love can't be reasonable - or she probably wouldn't be in love.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

An ounce of performance is worth pounds of promises.

Any time you got nothing to do - and lots of time to do it - come on up.

Anything worth doing is worth doing slowly.

Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.

Cultivate your curves - they may be dangerous but they won't be avoided.

Don't keep a man guessing too long - he's sure to find the answer somewhere else.

Don't marry a man to reform him - that's what reform schools are for.

Every man I meet wants to protect me. I can't figure out what from.

Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.

He who hesitates is a damned fool.

He's the kind of man a woman would have to marry to get rid of.  

I like restraint, if it doesn't go too far.

I never loved another person the way I loved myself.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

I only have 'yes' men around me. Who needs 'no' men?

I only like two kinds of men, domestic and imported.

I see you're a man with ideals. I better be going before you've still got them.

I speak two languages, Body and English.

I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.

I'll try anything once, twice if I like it, three times to make sure.

I'm a woman of very few words, but lots of action.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

These are the rules we should live by.  

Calling All Tongue Sluts...

I need a little someplace to jot down my thoughts... the ones that are a little scandalous or just don't quite fit into my public "persona".  We all have one... a persona.  Basically, these are the assumptions that people make regarding who we are as people.  I will tell you that I am a fairly open book.  However, I'm not one to go "airing" what some might consider to be my dirty laundry.  Personally, I think the dirty laundry is what makes me interesting.  It adds the "spice".

Roxy is simply the alter ego of my genuine girl next door persona.

First I'll tell you a bit about me..I typically always do the right thing or try.  I follow the law (for the most part- see below).  I have a moral barometer that is probably better than most (including clergy).   I believe in God and the 10 commandments.  I love America.  I don't own a sex swing. I'm a 30something single girl who has never been married, and I have no children.  I would like to have both. I don't sleep with, make out with, or "date" married men (this goes back to the moral barometer).  Although I do sincerely believe that a little innocent flirting helps everyone regardless of if your marital status.  I occasionally smoke weed-just a tad (hey- it's naughty and only happens about once a year).   I've slept with 8 men in all-- maybe 9-- there are a few years in there that are kind of fuzzy.  But who's counting?  I've loved three men in my life.  I've given more blow jobs than I can count or recall (man pleaser).  And I'll most certainly kiss on the first date, sometimes before.  In college and a few years post-grad, I was a complete tongue slut.  I would sometimes kiss a few different guys in one night, but never (with one exception) went home with anyone except my bestfriend.  That was the rule.  Some may call it a tease... I call it taking what I like, and leaving the rest.  I've gone to third base in a dark alley in Puerto Rico, also against the side of a building in Mexico, and once on the back patio of a bar in college.  It was cold... no one was out there.  That's Roxy- unplugged.

I'm a bit of a free spirit.  But, I am sometimes super concerned with what people think of me.  And I shouldn't.  If I knew how little time they spent actually thinking about me, it wouldn't be justified to worry about.  Narcissism at it finest, huh?  

I love fat baby rolls, the smell of fresh cut grass, sharing popcorn at the movie, and I love men.  I just haven't found one to love forever.  Until then... I'll have fun with either  "Mr. Convenient, Mr. Cute, or Mr. Great in Bed."

I'm looking for a few more "free spirits" to join me in this blog.  One writer is just so dull, don't ya think?  And it's an exercise to let go of my inner narcissist!


The rules:
1) You must keep your identity concealed to all but the writers you invite to participate. 
2) You must use your "bar name" or stripper name in lieu of your real name
3) You must use a sassy profile picture that again, conceals your identity. 
4) You must remember that content can be a tad scandalous, uplifting, relevant to others or funny, but not X-Rated.  A little PG-13 with a smattering of "R", but always tasteful. 


If you are interested,  leave a comment via your anonymous profile and I will add you to the "writers" list.  I've got comments turned in approval only mode, so you can send me your email address if need be.  Please... don't give away your identity or the identity of the other writers.  Circle of trust, right?