Why I'm Going To Die Alone (Part 1)

I’m not really a writer. If I had my way, I’d describe my life experiences to Roxy, and she’d put it into some kind of witty banter for me. But since she’s such a busy girl, I can’t possibly expect her to sit and write this for me. So I’m bucking up and sharing my story with you myself. Please excuse the fact that this isn’t the wittiest blogpost you’ve ever read. But I promise you, you WILL be entertained.

Here is something you need to know about me to fully understand my dating life. You know that instinct of fight or flight? Well, I’m all flight. When I get spooked, I run like hell. The very first haunted house I went into as a little kid had to turn on its lights and completely halt its operations so that I could be carried outside while bawling my eyes out. One of the girls in the house who was dressed up as a corpse in a coffin even stopped and said, “It’s me! Tanya! Your babysitter! Don’t be scared!” No difference. I had totally lost my cool. A weeping, hysterical mess. If someone sneaks up on me from behind, I either end up on the ground in the fetal position or take off running. I’m also not a risk taker. I grew up in the country, but I hated going “mudding” or driving a jeep like a bat out of hell up and down the levee. Basically, I’m a huge chicken. This is completely ironic considering the fact that if one of my friends or family is being attacked or wronged, I turn into the fiercest momma bear and become all fight. Seriously. I once tried to claw out a guy’s eyeball in Argentina for trying to steal my aunt’s Rolex. But that’s a story for another time. I tell you all of this to get one point across: Don’t share your crazy with me too early in a relationship, because I’ll cut and run faster than you can say “commitment phobic”.

I’m not a big fan of dating websites for myself. Don’t get me wrong, I highly encourage my friends to get on the well-known sites and get out there just to see who comes along. I know people who have had great success on such sites. However, while I meet the most bizarre freaks of nature in my day-to-day life, I find that my luck is usually so much worse online. Don’t believe me? Well, in my first attempt at a dating site, I met and had 1 ½ dates with a guy who loved musicals (could even do the choreographed dances with the songs), had a hippie mom who did drugs with her friends and sometimes forgot she had his baby sister in the house for hours or even days, was terribly abused by some of his mom’s boyfriends and husbands, and thought it would be a good idea to share ALL of this with me on the first date. Needless to say, I got up and walked out of our 2nd date when the crazy just kept on coming. Next up was a guy who lived 3 hours away and within 4 hours of giving him my phone number was texting me about how he was going to spank me. Seriously? We hadn’t even laid eyes on each other yet. I was done with him moments later. He couldn’t understand why. My last fella on that website was the controlling and manipulative mailman. Within a week, he said that he’d been patient enough to wait for sex as long as he had with me (yes, one week – he never got lucky, by the way), and after two weeks, he pronounced his undying love for me. The last straw with him came over Thanksgiving, when I got a call at my parents’ house that he was still at his sister’s in Southeast Texas (he should have been home the day before) because his youngest son had broken his collar bone. It was his fault the kid had an accident. And this was the THIRD time that poor kid had been injured (gash in the head, broken arm, and broken collarbone) while in his care. His ex-wife must have wanted to choke him! I couldn’t begin to fathom dating someone who had his 70-year old mother call his ex-wife to explain what happened to the kid. It was over before I finished my 6 hour drive back from home. I was officially 0 for 3, so I cancelled my membership to that website ASAP.

Fast forward about a year…. I have several friends who were giving it the ol’ college try on that website’s biggest competitor, so I figured I’d change venues and see what happened. Sigh. I got through the many communication stages with one guy, and he seemed pretty normal in the beginning. Then we started talking over the phone. After a two or three conversations, he told me that he cheats on his taxes, was beaten by his dad with a radiator hose when he was young (WTF?!?), makes up fake resumes so that he can attend career fairs at universities where he never once paid a cent of tuition, and I was lucky to have him still interested in me since I’m between jobs right now. Excuse me? I’m lucky? He was also an obnoxious know-it-all. If I made a statement like, “I want a kayak” (because I’d have rockin’ arm muscles if I had one, duh!), he would reply with something like, “I built a kayak out of cedar strips once.” He didn’t know my last name, but he took it upon himself to talk on my behalf to recruiters at those previously mentioned career fairs – and he expected me to be grateful. Instead, I was insulted and pissed. It wasn’t going to work out, and I didn’t need to meet him face-to-face. So I texted him one night to say that I didn’t think it was a good idea to continue to talk to each other. When he asked why, I replied that I had been thinking about him cheating on his taxes and making up fake resumes, and dishonesty was a huge deal breaker for me. His response? “That’s cool. I was getting some pretty huge red flags about you, too. Peace out.” Dick.

This leads us up to last Thursday night.

(To Be Continued…)

Really Nice Guy Vs. Good In Bed? Pure Motives?

Here's where you can click to get all caught up on RNG vs. GIB.  Mr. Really Nice Guy? Well, he's still really nice. Maybe too nice? Four dates in and he's already showing the googly love eyes. No! No! No! Nothing makes me flee faster than a man who falls in love with me- too fast. And although he's nice, he's 36 and unaccomplished. I seriously can't figure out what he's been doing for the past 18 years since high school? It's certainly not getting his bachelors degree. I found out last night he's 12 hours shy. Ugh. I feel a bit misled. I had assumed the college he graduated from was a university, not a JC. There I go assuming. And this makes me sound like an elitist snob... But, here I go. He has a crappy job, no degree, no direction, no friends, a one bedroom apartment, a bankruptcy and no life. I guess he's just waiting for me to fill that gap? He's itching to get married and have a family No thank you. If i wanted a child right now to raise and send to college, I'd birth one. At least I'd have 18 years to figure out how I am going to pay for it.

And yet he's cute and nice. Another worry... Our 2 hour make out session? Barely even grazed second base and this only because I physically placed his hands on my boobs. Seriously? The last guy I dated didn't want to have sex prior to marriage. I respected that decision, but what really bothered me... He didn't even seem tempted. And that's how the "RNG" makes me feel. I'm no Cindy Crawford (circa 1995), but I'm a fairly hot piece of ass... Holding to my mantra that "sexy is half what you've got, and half what you think you've got." How could he resist trying to "tap" this. Blah, blah,blah... He's just being a gentleman... Whatever! It's the ladies job to ward off any unwelcome advances. Let me do my job, dammit!

So having said all this, I believe I will use him as a wedding date next weekend and for one more marathon make out session. And then, "hasta la vista". Back to the drawing board. And GIB (good in bed)? He canceled our date. Humph. At least with him there is no ambiguity about his true interest? It's evident. And that's somehow comforting.